I haven’t been writing lately. I am dealing with the voices that do not stop and lately some breakthrough visual hallucinations. I wish things were different or at least bearable like it used to be. I know I should have gotten help sooner when my psychosis was running rampant in my mind and I was convinced that I had crossed the line between reality and my symptoms convincing me I wasn’t coming back. I hid it the best I could because I did not want to go to the psych ward. I was afraid if I went because of all the things going on with me, I would be there a very long time. I also feared I would be put in a home and I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Patience. She was very young at that time and she needed me in a way that only a mother can be there.

I am still isolating. Part of it is because I do not want to burden my loved ones with my life and all the things going on in my head. I don’t know why when someone asks me how things are I feel compelled to tell them exactly what I have been experiencing. It must sound like fiction. The best feeling in the world is when a dear friend tells you that she didn’t understand or know how to help when we are younger but she thinks she is beginning to understand. She believes me. She is trying to come to grips with my quirks that the diagnoses do to me.

Now, maybe she is not as well versed in any of the disorders I live with but she is trying. So many friends seem to be keeping me at a distance. I try to text them, call them, make plans with them. To my texts and calls, no response is given. Our plans are always cancelled last minute. It is heartbreaking for me. I have been thinking of getting a group together of members to one of my support groups of people who live in my area. I want to do it but I fear all will cancel and I don’t know if I can take any more rejection. I isolate and when I reach out I feel rejection because things never work out for the get together.

It is okay because I move past it. I isolate to protect myself but it means the world to me that a friend is beginning to see. I wish we lived close to each other. I have only visited her once since I graduated college. We have teens that are the same age. She was always supportive even though I know I scared her when she was my roommate. That wasn’t fair to her but I wasn’t in my right mind. I am so glad she came home when she did.

For now, I will enjoy the fact that she said she wishes she could have done more when I broke and had an episode while rooming together. I appreciate her trying to understand on some level. It means so much to know someone isn’t scared of you, isn’t trying to talk you into thinking it’s all in my head, not giving well-meaning but hurtful advice.  I feel accepted. I will have bad days but someone who I adore is trying to understand.

I wish you knew how much that means to me or anyone who lives with mental illness or multiple mental illnesses. It lifts me up and restores my hope. Love to you!

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