Sometimes, nights can be the worst time for me.  I cannot sleep, especially now that my med situation isn’t going.  I feel okay, then I want to crumble so I fill my day with quirky postings on a social networking site that I have been on far too often lately.  My friends have often tried to urge me to use it more and I really didn’t care to but with the discovery of some support groups there, I have found it to be an important lifeline.  My friends need a break from me.

When night comes, I want to sleep.  I need to sleep as it is essential to my maintaining some grip on reality.  With the quiet, it gives my mind to start really working overtime.  My thoughts are going so fast I want to get up and jot them down or make a list or argue with them.  “They” interrupt my thoughts with their opinions and nonsense making it noisy in my head so I put on some music, loud and heavy if possible.  To be fair to my husband, I put on my headphones and tune in to my radio station online using the new phone I still haven’t grown to love.  I turn the volume up so loud that any noise or thoughts find it hard to form.

Sometimes I can feel them come to sleep in bed with me but it is calm and peaceful.  But then there are the other times…

That is when one of them crawls up beside me.  My heart quickens and I see others shadows move across the window, into the room, and hover.  The close my eyes tight and try to turn the music up louder and louder.  The one pressed up next to me is pushing me, threatening me. I can feel its breath on my back and my skin prickles up with anxiety.  I am terrified.  When I was a child, I would call to my parents room and ask for a glass of water, hoping my mom or dad would come to my room, see the beast that has crawled beside me and kill it.  But all I got was a drink and back to bed.  Over the years, I came to accept that sometimes, these dark friends of mine come to feast on my mind and remind me my life isn’t my own.

I curl up into a ball and turn make sure the volume is as loud as it can possibly be, find something worthy of my attention  and concentrate on the words.  Many nights, this proves to be enough so that I can enjoy a peaceful slumber.  I mouth the words, concentrate on every  part of the song and now the scene is playing out inside my head.  I dance, sing, and chase until I am dizzy inside my bizarre music video playing in my mind.  Sleep becomes peace until morning.

If the little visuals I would create would only stay peaceful, I would live there forever.  It is nice in that world so far from the destruction I force upon my world.  But sometimes the images are horrifying.  I see pain and mostly, the pain is unleashed by the monstrous side that lingers deep inside me and wants to break free.  I feel like a beast.  If I look anyone in the eye, they will see it too.  I must destroy anyone looking into these eyes so that the rest of my world isn’t warned of the  darkness that dwells within.  Why should anyone get warning when I had none?  The rampage and gore fill the dreamlike visions with streets running red.  The most disturbing thing about it isn’t what I have seen myself do, it is not the warm reception I receive by “them” after I act on the ravenous impulses, but it is the peace and calm these acts seem to bring.

When I wake, I am in awe of what I have seen.  Fearful if I ever committed such horror, I would find peace & unleash something I can never tame.  I bravely put on my face for the day and go into my world smiling.  I will never act as I can at night. Humanity is safe.

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